It’s embarrassing, but I’m going to come right out and say it. I have muffin top. Serious muffin top. The type that will prevent me from ever wearing a Deltra Goodrem-inspired mid-drift top again! Oh, that’s right, I haven’t worn a mid-drift top (Delta-inspired or otherwise) since, oh, never, but that’s beside the point.

I blame three things for my muffin top. The first, clearly, is my four-year-old son. Damn you beautiful child! The second – the fact that I literally have zero time to exercise. I know all you fitness types think this is an excuse, but seriously, my life is insane! Between my multiple businesses (and a business partner on maternity leave), my shift-working, engineering-degree-studying husband, my very sick daddy and my little boy, I am stretched from asshole to breakfast. (Side note, I don’t actually know what that slightly crass saying means, but it seemed appropriate at the time …)

Lastly, I blame skinny jeans. I have a love-hate relationship with my skinny jeans. Sure, they make my thighs and bum look skinnier than they are, hence the name, and I thank them for that.

But, and here’s the catch, in order to make said thighs and butt look skinner they secretly push the fat all the way from my cankles up through my fat knees, collecting my thigh flab along the way, joining forces with my butt’s wobbly bits, finally encouraging my jelly belly to join the party … and it all ends up pushed up and out of the top of my jeans. Case in point below (not me, incidentally).

Yes ladies, that muffin top is a collection of all your wobbly bits, from the ground up. No wonder I end up with a mezzanine level going on!

Now, I’m not one for quick fixes and appreciate the power of exercise, but I have decided to try something new and out there (well, for me) to battle the bulge, because I would really like to be able to wear a pair of jeans without having to break out a circus tent to cover my middle.

So, HYPOXI is my new best friend! Have you heard of it? It sounds too good to be true, but I watched my mum lose 56cm from her body in four weeks, all thanks to just three 30-minute exercise sessions a week in a space-age looking machine (below). Certainly sounds perfect for this time-poor, muffin-top mumma!

Three 30-minute exercise sessions a week I can handle, especially if it’s going to help me bid farewell to some fat and cellulite and say hello to a new collection of crop tops! Okay, that’s never going to happen.

What is HYPOXI? It’s a miracle, that’s what it is! It’s also the arch-enemy of fat and cellulite. Here’s a little more info from their website which explains it far better than I can.

“HYPOXI is the first training concept to combine alternating high and low pressure with exercise to help target fat in those areas which just won’t budge. The simple 30 minute workout is safe, pain free and completely natural – helping your body to tap into stubborn fat stores while you work out. In just 12 sessions, clients can lose up to 30 centimetres from their problem areas – more than what you would generally see from conventional training.”

And what do you do to lose this fat (I love the fact that they focus on centimetres rather than weight)? You lie down in a space-age looking gadget and cycle in a chamber for half an hour while your nether regions get sucked from here to kingdom come in a giant vacuum-like thing. Feels strange at first, but there’s a science behind it – and it all links back to using your circulation for good, not evil.

I’m doing my four-week program in Brisbane at HYPOXI BULIMBA, but there are boutiques all over the country – click here to see if there is one near you. I’ll finish my four weeks just in time for our family holiday to Fiji, so I’ll be shopping for string bikinis in no time. Well, maybe not, but I’d be happy to fit into slightly smaller board shorts.

I have had two sessions so far (that’s me below – not my best angle), and I am sticking to their suggested “clean eating” plan (except for that one small slice of chocolate tart – whoops!), which is really just about eating fresh, whole foods, and no carbs after 3pm (they also suggest no wine for a month – eeek). It really is quick and easy – can 30-minutes on this super special bike (while listening to audio books) really equate to two hours of normal exercise? I’ll let you know in four weeks, but I can certainly see the difference in my mum, who is a happier, healthier, slimmer and more energised version of herself.

Bring it on. In my first session I had all my awfully embarrassing numbers taken, which will be taken again after six of my initial 12 sessions, and again at the end, so stay tuned for updates.

Muffin top … be gone!

Alli x

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