Ladies, I have news, and it’s not pretty. Best you sit down. And while you’re at it, pour yourself a stiff drink. Ready? Okay, here goes.
Contrary to popular belief, you cannot have it all. Nope. Just can’t. In fact, I’m calling “bullshit” on the whole “having it all” illusion. So quit beating yourself up about it, okay?
Now, before you “of course you can bloody have it all” types get your cranky pants on, give me a minute to explain. I’ve done the research. I’ve tried, bloody hard. I have spent years attempting to be the perfect wife / mother / businesswoman / person (not to mention friend, sister and daughter), and I don’t believe it’s possible to excel in all of these areas, at the same time. To feel like you are doing a good job at everything.
Please explain how you can be an attentive mother who crafts, paints and takes their kid to the park while at the same time being a super successful businesswoman and a loving, supportive wife (who puts out). Because if you have the answer, let me know. I’m dying to hear.
Best I clarify something. I’m not saying we shouldn’t try to be all of those things. Sure, be a mum and a wife and a career woman. Go right ahead. I certainly have no plans of giving up my child / husband / businesses any time soon. But what I am challenging is the notion that we can be some kind of superwoman who manages to juggle all three roles (and more) with ease and a Mrs Cleaver from Leave it Beaver type smile on her dial, 24/7. It’s not easy. In my experience, it’s bloody near impossible to juggle it all and retain a little thing called your sanity.
I have a challenge for you. Go grab your Twister board. Now, get five of your friends together, liquor them up with Tequila shots, and give this a go … attempt to play Twister while roller-skating on an ice rink with both arms tied behind your backs and a blindfold on while the instructions are being read by someone from Russia (and you don’t speak Russian). That, dear friends, is how I feel most days. (Disclaimer – I am not liquored up every day, just some days, when required, for medicinal purposes.)
Before you go all ‘feminist’ on me, I’m a big fan of women. I am one. I am also a big fan of women being able to do and be whatever they want to do and be. Power to us. But, having struggled along for several years, I’ve decided to stand up and let the world know that I am buggered.
My house is a mess, always. My son doesn’t get the love and attention he deserves, but I do try. My husband is either ignored or barked at, lucky him. And I desperately need more hours in the day to focus on our fledgling little businesses, as the “must make money and fast” pressure is on.
Then there’s my personal well-being. I am knackered. Exhausted. Cranky. Bitter. Overwhelmed. Terrified. Guilt-ridden. And I know I am not alone.
I am not telling you this so you feel sorry for me. I am telling you because I want YOU to feel normal and less alone, as I’m betting a good gaggle of you feel the same way. I want YOU to see that, while you probably think that you’re the only one struggling, you’re not.
One thing we have learnt doing our Alli & Genine tour is that well, frankly, we are pretty much all full of shit. We all pretend, to a certain extent, that we have it all together. Yep, sure, I’m happy! Life’s perfect! Bullshit. When we dig a little deeper during our presentations, most ladies confess that they are afraid to tell the truth – because they feel like failures. Oh dear … what have we done to ourselves? Far too much pressure, ladies!
We will all keep trying to “have it all”, I guarantee it. Me included. Perhaps we just need to redefine what “having it all” means and be a little more realistic about our expectations?
So, this post is not about being negative or “glass half full”. It’s about calling it like it is. Tough. Real. Challenging.
Let’s all commit to being kinder to ourselves. Don’t beat yourself up over not being perfect. Instead, give yourself a pat on the back for all the good stuff you do, each and every day. All we can do is our best, and that has to be good enough.
Now, about that drink …
Alli x
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I hear you Alli. I’m on a mission to slow down a bit at the moment and concentrate only on whats really important and also whats earning us money right now.
I see alot of bullshit out there too and believe we all need to be a bit more honest with ourselves.
We can try and ‘have it all’ but can we really ‘do it all’? I dont think so. Its unrealistic especially when we’re Mums.
Everyday I feel failure as a friend, sister, wife, daughter and Mum. Not to mention all the other things. I want to be there for everybody but need to really be there for myself and let the other stuff naturally flow.
Its a tough gig. Lets just go a little easy on ourselves and chill a bit more. Only do whats essential and what makes your heart sing. Hard to sing when youre exhausted everyday though isnt it.
Thats where I’m at right now.
Be cool mate and take it easy. Youre doing great.
Sue xxx
Slow down hey? Good luck Sue!! And when you work out how, please let me know. Ha! It really can be tough, can’t it? BUT when we share like this we certainly don’t feel as alone! A x
Agreed! We’ve all bought shares into everyone else’s version of a happy life… and it’s costing us all. We’ve become lost trying to be everything to everyone. I remember Tony Robbins once said something like… Your happiness is dependent on whatever rules you’ve set up about being happy. My rules are #1 Peace is my highest Value 2# I honor myself and live authentically 3# I focus on loving my family.
Was a ginel mum of two teenagers who active in everything, an absent (and no child support paying) father, a high pressure job (well paid and they expected long hours), no family living anywhere near close and never enough time. I too felt guilty and would have easily swapped my right arm for a night off where I didn’t have to be or do something for someone else. There were days I changed my name to Esmerelda because I couldn’t bear hearing “Mom!!!!” one more time. “It’s Esmerelda or I’m not answering!”
I remember days when getting through the house took a map because there was so much crap everywhere. Step over the football gear, the dance costumes, two sets of skates, a week’s worth of laundry, school books, a sewing project not touched for 9 weeks and heaps more.
I gave up trying to do it all. Guess what? Nobody noticed. If someone was coming over there was a mad dash to hide everything in the laundry but otherwise, I learned that a dirty house will wait. Leave the vacuum cleaner out and pretend you were just starting the weekly cleaning.
My children are long grown and all I remember are good memories. I found time to attend every skating competition, every football game, every dance performance and every school event because those were things that couldn’t wait.
My house is mostly clean all the time now, so you’ll find the time one day. Enjoy your kids and enjoy your job and to hell with the bits that just don’t matter.
Maureen – wow – what an amazing story. YOu go girl! I need to teach myself to IGNORE THE MESS, but it does my ‘work from home’ head IN! A xx
single.. not ginel.. I have no idea how that one happened
Well done Alli!
So many people pretend that everything is totally perfect and they are putting themselves under so much pressure. I agree with you that the effort at time is overwhelming. I can remember when my children were little, I sat down one day and wondered why I seemed to scream and run late so much, and I realized that not only was I being busy but so was my family. I spend hours telling my littlies to hurry up because we were late for a meeting, school, appts…didnt matter what! It was also done with the best intentions. I put my hand up for tuckshop, reading, mum rep, sports manager etc etc.
One day I realized that I was too tired and so were my children, so I stopped volunteering as much and found some quiet time.
I must also admit that I still hate dusting..and will find 5 millions things to do rather than that:)
So here’s to not being perfect and enjoy yourself more.
Amen to that Marney! Some good advice here too – we have to learn to say NO!!! A x
Hubby and I recently filled in some paperwork that required our demographic details. For me, he ticked the box – stay at home mum – because (he said) that I didn’t fit into any other criteria. Nothing could be further from the truth, and this is where the problem lies I believe. With the ever increasing opportunities for women, and the (false) perception that we can easily fall into and out of the many roles we assume each and every day, somewhere we have lost our true identity. At any given time of the day (or night), I can be a Mum, Wife, business owner, health professional, doctoral student, daughter, crazy-cat-lady… I don’t blame my husband for being confused. I know I am. I think the key is mindfulness. Focus on the task/s at hand and give yourself completely to the moment. It does take practice. When my kids are at home, we craft, bake and trash the house. When I am at my desk, I ignore the trash behind me and I work. Life is busy, but I am slowly re-establishing my sense of identify by fully embracing the role I have assumed at that point in time. And I am caring less about which box I tick. Hope you can do that soon Alli xx
Wooo – what was he thinking!?? Ha! But you’re right – no wonder men are confused – we are too! That’s a great way to think of it Nik, and I fail at being mindful and in the moment. Something I definitely need to be better at AND starting tomorrow will be more mindful of. Note to self – be mindful or mindfulness. Alli x
I learned once that to be excellent at something you must be not so excellent at something else. I took that on board and go forth with strength and gratitude that I have children who chose me to be their mum for a reason and my relationship with them is my business and not some other judgemental opinion of anyone…including husband who has a picture of what a mother should look like sound like act like. Repeating 1000 times…. my relationship with them has nothing to do with you and never will is like a mantra. I should get a tattoo.
The part “When we dig a little deeper during our presentations, most ladies confess that they are afraid to tell the truth – because they feel like failures. ” resonated the most for me. It is right, and that is why women must go away on their own without their business, husbands/partners, and children at least once a year and for at least 2 nights. My favourite quote is:
“women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away….” Barbara De Angelis… even to other business women. It’s ok to be on top of your game and kicking it in the business world. Unless you’ve come up with some gimmick that’s going to be an overnight success and then all THAT brings with it, you are going to do it tough. The genetic pre-disposition of women to think they have to be all to everything is WRONG and we need to find funding from someone to put studies into place to solve it – FOREVER!
Amanda, and this is why I adore you! THANK YOU, on behalf of the sisterhood!! A x
Well Alli. I really don’t have anything to say. You just said it. ALL! Bless ya for being you, trying to do your best, taking us on the ride, and being honest about it!! Yeah!! Women rock xxx
Thanks Krishna … never easy, but we are all in the same boat yeah? A x