So, there I was in a meeting when the ink in my pen ran out. No biggie. I always carry one million spare pens, so off I went, straight into my handbag. Side pocket, nope, no pen there. What if I try over here, to the right a bit … no luck. Um, what’s that I feel? Strange. Must pull it out and have a quick look … (and yes, this was all internal dialogue, I wasn’t talking to myself like a complete lunatic).
Not really sure what I was thinking in hindsight (damn you hindsight), but what I innocently yanked out of my black hole of a handbag mid-meeting was more than a little embarrassing. It was a plastic purple eggplant. Yes, that’s what I said. See exhibit A.
And I am well aware of the craziness of the situation. Yes, yes, it’s phallic, and for a moment there I think my meeting companion thought I had pulled out a rather oddly shaped and somewhat small (what would be the point, really?) vibrator. Nope, sorry, nothing to see here folks. It’s a toy eggplant, because clearly I like to be prepared for any type of “Oh shit does someone have a purple plastic toy eggplant on them …. it’s an emergency!” situation.
Of course, I can thank my three-and-a-half-year-old son for this embarrassing and clearly inappropriate fake vegetable reveal.
Anyway, after the meeting I decided I should probably have a dig around and find out what other weird and whacky items were lying low in my oversized and overstuffed handbag. Clearly, it was time for a clean out (here’s the offending handbag).
And here’s what I found. Be afraid. Be very afraid …
- Buried at the bottom, hiding below my oversized sunglasses case and my beautiful red leather wallet, was a pair of undies. Not mine, just to clarify. The cutest little pair of size 3 Thomas the Tank Engine jocks you’ve ever seen. Sigh. No baby wipes though, so not sure how I planned to adequately deal with an ill-timed wee wee or poo poo situation come to think of it …
- A giant purple crayon (clearly colour themed with the purple eggplant).
- Seven pens (well, if all seven pens run out of ink I can at least draw a pretty picture for the fridge with my purple crayon).
- Two Milk Arrowroot biscuits in a snaplock bag, in case of hungry toddler (and Genine) emergencies (up until two weeks ago there was also a packet of Tiny Teddies in there … Genine, do you know where they went???).
- Lipsticks, five. And three of them pretty much in the exact same colour.
- Lipglosses, six. And five of them pretty much in the exact same colour as the three lipsticks.
- 11 bobby pins. Think they’ve been breeding in there.
- One giant can of deodorant – I hate sweating.
- A snaplock bag filled with my makeup (a fashionable replacement for my makeup bag – I blame my recent overseas holiday and those annoying customs rules … and I’ve clearly been too busy to do anything about it).
- 361 business cards – and not one of my own. Whoops.
- Five old shopping lists – why I can’t throw them away, I have NO idea!
- Three tins of Moxi tampons – just in case I have a really heavy day … What the?
- Oh and here’s the really embarrassing bit, 967 tissues in varying stages of “used”. I know, yuck. Sorry.
- Last, but certainly far from least, I found a tattoo of the Australian flag. Of course I did – doesn’t everyone have a fake Aussie flag tattoo in their handbag?
- And a partridge in a pear tree.
Okay, so my poor old bag was clearly in need of a little TLC. What do you have in YOUR handbag? I challenge you to top the purple eggplant and Australian flag tattoo.
And …. GO!