Yes, we’ve been pretty quiet over here at Alli & Genine over the Chrissy and New Year break. Genine was enjoying some precious pre-baby downtime with her hubby while I did the exact opposite – I frolicked with a million relatives, making the most of what may just have been our last family holiday with my dad.
So, off to the Gold Coast we went – and it was everything I desperately needed it to be. We played in the ocean, we dug holes, we built sandcastles, we swam in the pool, we listened to the waves, we stared at the moon, we said words that needed to be said, we laughed and cried, we hung out with aunts, uncles and cousins, we cuddled koalas and fed kangaroos, we ate, we drank, we drank some more … we made amazing memories (all with my laptop packed away in the closet – heaven!). We made memories I will hold in my heart forever.
One morning my son and I were swimming in the pool, as you do, and as we were splashing about we noticed a ladybeetle bobbing around in the water. I showed Hudson and we immediately commenced Operation Ladybeetle Rescue, swiftly scooping up the frightened little bug and popping her on the bricks around the pool to dry off and head off to wherever ladybeetles go after near-death experiences. The nearest ladybeetle pub for some stiff liquor? Not sure …
Yay us – we saved a lady beetle! Hudson was especially chuffed. I expected her to have a shake or two, dry off and quickly fly away – far, far away, away from that hideous mass of water that came dangerously close to taking her precious life. (And yes, all ladybeetles are girls in my books – far too pretty to be boys …)
We watched her intently, mustering all our positive energy and verbal encouragement to get off the ground. The poor little girl – she shook, she flapped, she shook again. Then she flapped some more. Nothing. She simply couldn’t fly!
Quickly I realised that Operation Ladybeetle Rescue was about to turn into Operation Watch Ladybeetle Die a Slow and Painful Death in the Hot Summer Sun. But bless her, she kept trying. She was like The Little Engine That Could. “I think I can, I think I can …”
Unexpectedly, all of a sudden I was overcome with emotions. Surely I wasn’t tearing up over a ladybeetle? I mean, yes, I’m a tad emotional … but really? A ladybeetle? That’s even extreme for me!
As I watched her continue to flap her tiny little wings, getting nowhere fast, unable to take flight, something in me resonated with that ladybeetle. I realised that I knew exactly how she felt.
I am in a place in my life where no matter how hard I flap, no matter how much I want to fly, I can’t. I chant “I think I can, I think I can” over and over, but still I can’t take off. And frankly, all that flapping is bloody exhausting.
Like that pretty little bug, I feel frustrated and helpless. I should be happy. I try to be positive and in “I know I can” rather than “I think I can” mode, but I think 2012 knocked a fair bit or wind out of my sails, or in the case of the ladybird, knocked a gallon of water onto my fragile wings.
There are so many things I can’t control. So many things I desperately want to change, and can’t. I can’t fix my dad. I can’t help my husband in the ways I so desperately want to help my husband. I want to get pregnant, but what if I can’t?
Flap, flap, flap.
Sure, things are progressing with Alli & Genine, but the impatient ladybeetle in me needs more – I need it to take off. Really take off. I so desperately want those big dreams to come true. Now. Please!
Flap, flap, flap.
The situation began to feel helpless. Hudson started to tear up too. “Mummy, why isn’t she flying away?” he asked me, with sad little eyes.
And just as I began to give up on that little ladybeetle, losing faith that she might just make it, she took off. Wow. Just like that. Off into the sky she went! Goodbye my beautiful little friend. “I know I can. I know I can!”
Hudson and I celebrated like we’d won lotto (and yes, the other people in the pool did look at us rather strangely – it was, after all, only a ladybeetle). Her determination paid off … she was free! She kept focused on her goal, she didn’t give up. She flapped like a mad woman!
Lesson learnt. I’m not to give up on myself. Or my business. Or my dad. Or my husband. Or my big dreams. No matter how much flapping I have to do, no matter how exhausted I feel, I will keep on keeping on. I will continue to “know I can” rather than just “thinking I can”.
I will fight. I will flap. I will fly. One day.
Happy New Year friends. May you all fly in 2013, just like that beautiful little ladybeetle who taught me an important life lesson.
Thanks ladybeetle.
Love,
Alli x
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Alli, I think there’s a really big message in here that will help settle you need a little to have it transition into a want. The lady beetle knew what she was doing drying out her wings enough and getting the circulation back into those small filaments of genius. When you try and take things away from people, or lady beetles, you rob them of their opportunity to grow, while robbing yourself of your every day at being happy (or sad) with whatever shows up in your present day. You are a gift to so many. So many are a gift to you. Live in your today with an open and honest heart that just focusses on the today and what shows up in it. Planning, setting intentions, visualising goals, that’s what you do as you head off to sleep or in your weekly or monthly business meeting.
Trust that everything is just as it is meant to be, hand back the control to those whose it is in the first place and have a seat. You’ve earned it.
Love always
Amanda x
As always, you know what to say when I need to hear it! Thanks lovely friend. A xx
At the moment I’m learning big lessons in “letting go” instead of trying to force things too quickly – this just reminded me yet again. Thank you.
And don’t forget that you don’t have to do it alone. There are so many people around you who can help in ways you probably can’t imagine, and who “know you can” even while you’re flapping.
A fabulous message like the butterfly can’t see his own beauty as his wings are behind him and the candle story of each lighting the way for another.
I too am learning lessons and – your reminder is timely for me.
Beautifully written, thanks Alli.
Cheers
Di
I’m sitting here flapping my wings ready for take off too Alli!Thanks for the reminder. xx
Caitlin we’re all flapping in bloody good company! A xx
Alli, as new reader i LOVED your ladybettle story, it’s something i can relate to, thank you for sharing your gorgeous story wishing you all the best in 2013 for those wings. xx
Thanks Sarah – and welcome!!! Back at ya for 2013 too. Alli xxx